Far Away

" I don't know if you can see
The changes that have come over me
In these last few days I've been afraid
That I might drift away
So I've been telling old stories, singing songs
That make me think about where I came from
And that's the reason why I seem
So far away today"

Above is the first verse of a beautiful song by Dougie MacLean called Caledonia.

It fills me up and leaves me empty, all at the same time.

I have been 'far away' lately and quite lost in thought. There seem to be two of me. I am at the same time happy and sad, hopeful and despairing, sure and unsure, faithful and faithless, focused and adrift.

Do other people live like this after losing someone special? I suppose I can never go back to my blissfully ignorant existence, virtually untouched by loss. Too bad. It was a happy place and I was a happy person. My conscious mind knew of death and it's inevitability for us all yet I never felt the agony of the physical loss of someone, nor seriously considered the tortuous questions of the afterlife. I thought I had it all figured out. One either requires a great deal of faith, or a particular gift for compartmentalizing the big questions and setting them aside, in order to keep going. Before my Dad's death I was so very sure of so many things. I am struggling now to be sure and long for the certainty I once felt. Gone is my innocent, child-like faith and I mourn that, almost as much as I mourn him.

BUT...

I am not hopeless. I anticipate clarity. I search for truth. I am in the valley looking at the mountains I must climb and they are not insurmountable, rather formidable. Courage. Just breathe. If I seek I will find.